Road to Recovery

My boyfriend broke up with me Saturday night.  It was the worst night ever.  I haven’t stopped thinking about him and it really sucks.  I’ve barely slept and ate, and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost a few pounds…but that’s not even that important to me right now.  It’s him.

I feel like a failure for driving him to do this.  If I could go back in time and change how I acted, I would.  I would give everything to be his anything again.  I feel dead inside.  I’ve turned to music as my release.  My ipod is always in my ears.  I’ve finally realized that I do have friends that are there for me, and they love and appreciate me and support me and care about me.  I don’t know what to do.  I really love him, but he doesn’t love me back anymore.

Fuck. I haven’t purged since November. I just binged and I HAD to get it out. I hope purging doesn’t become something I do regularly.

b-r-0-k-e-n-s-0-u-l:

- You have/had an eating disorder

- You have/had depression

- You are a survivor of abuse

- You have injured yourself on purpose

- You have lost a loved one

I want to follow you all. I don’t care how many notes this gets

Starting tomorrow, I have to stop eating sugar. It’s the reason why I’ve gained so much weight, because when you eat sugar, your insulin levels rise and conserves fat. I know so many people who have quit sugar and they lost weight so fast. I just need to be thinner by spring break, and in the long run, prom. Also, my mom wants me to run this 5K with her next month, and I really want to but I just don’t want to feel this way when we go and run it. I just want to be free of this addiction.

Oh my goshhhhhhhh…why can’t I just eat like a normal human being? I need to start loving healthy stuff like, now. There’s literally nothing to really binge on in the house which is awesome, but I seriously need to lose this weight.

themanicdoll asked: Don't bum yourself out about eating some sweets today. Please don't restrict at dinner tonight. You can do it.

Thank you, I didn’t restrict :)

Today, I’ve woke up and decided I was going to be healthy and have an egg sandwich. I go into the kitchen to see that my mom made chocolate chip pancakes.

ugh.

I had about 2 and a half of those…then 2 scrambled eggs with cheese…and a small piece of sausage.

Not bad right?

Oh wait…but then I wanted the cookies and brownie I brought home from work last night.  I had a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, half of a m&m double doozie (2 cookies with icing in the middle), and a red velvet brownie. That was at 12:30 and it’s almost 5pm.

I’m having a salad tonight, with a boiled egg and some tuna on top. Unless I talk myself out of it, which wouldn’t the first time that has happened. Or the second. Or the thousandth.

I keep wondering where my willpower went. I lost 40 pounds…then gained 20 back. I want to lose 10 of it by April. I have to be 135 by April. Because prom is in May, and I’ll be damned if I go to prom fat. 

ourroadtorecovery asked: ♥ Stay strong lovely.

Thank you <3

Anonymous asked: In case noone's told you yet, then I'll tell you. Stop binging. Eat healthy. You're lovely but you need some time to breathe to see it.

Thank you so much. I am trying, I really am.

Hopefully it will help me recover if I make some friends on here that can support me through the process and I can support them.

Anywhos, today has sucked. All I did was eat, clean, eat, watch TV, eat some more, write some scholarship essays, and eat more.  Last night, I ate a whole loaf of banana bread at 10:30pm. Like, who the fuck does that? I told my mom (she obviously knows about my disorder because she pays for my psychologist and nutritionist) and she couldn’t believe I could eat that. Like she didn’t believe I could do that…she has no idea.  Then today, I didn’t go to school because it was the last day of the semester and a half day, but my mom got mad at me.  This triggered a day of binging.

I ate 2 and a half HUGE bowls of captain crunch. Drank all the milk. Then hot chocolate. fuck. took some laxatives (which just started to kick in about 10 hours later).  4 hours later, I ate oatmeal with brown sugar. then some macaroni and cheese. a few hours later, I found chocolate under my moms bed…ate that too.  Then popped popcorn and melted chocolate chips to put in it. Ate about a third or fourth of it, and I started to feel sick.  That was around 3:30pm and its now 8pm, and Im full. I’ve been full all day. Even before the cereal I was still full. fuck. why do I do this to myself? I don’t understand. I was doing pretty good for about a week and I just sabotage my recovery.

I have to work tomorrow too. I’m almost to big for my work uniform.  The shirt is a small and my pants are a size 7. I don’t know how they still kind of fit, but Im scared to put them on tomorrow and find out that they don’t fit.  I want the day to come where the sevens are too big. But that would require me gaining willpower back, and I have yet too find out where the fuck that went. 

I hate myself. 

Someone tell me to stop eating. Please.

I never want to do anything anymore.  I feel like I’m on autopilot everyday. I don’t have any life in me anymore. No more smiles. No more laughs. No more giggles, chuckles, or jokes.  I am not the person I was a year and a half ago.  I hate myself and who I’ve become.  This disorder effects EVERYTHING in my life.  My confidence, my body, my relationships, school, my attitudes, my eating (duh), my weight…literally everything.

I have so much to live for, but all I want is to be happy.  I’m just getting sicker and sicker.  I need help.  I’m already going to a nutritionist and a therapist, but I feel like I need more.  The people around me suffer because of the state that I’m in, and it makes me suffer even more because I don’t want to see them like that.  I don’t know how no one at school has found out about this.  It amazes me how I can walk in there with a smile as fake as some of the girls at my school with a disorder like mine.

I feel like I don’t deserve anything. A car, my job, my license, my straight A’s (which I don’t know how the hell i managed that with this going on), my boyfriend, my friends, my family. No one understands. 

All I ever want anymore is to sleep, eat, and be alone. I’m an introvert. and it sucks.

miguitarrayvoss asked: how did you recover? did you go to a nutritionist or a psychologist? or both? I seriously need help :(

I am nowhere near recovered. I’ve been going to both since June 2011.  I feel like I’m just getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do about it.

This holiday season was not good to me, food wise…

I’m over it. It’s 2012. I’m ready to become a complete different person; one that is always happy, doesn’t procrastinate, doesn’t binge, works out, eats healthy, and loves herself.

I’m ready to wake up everyday and be proud of myself and who I am and what I look like. 

Who’s with me? :)

miguitarrayvoss asked: hey could I ask you some questions about your recovery process and your bulimia? I'm also bulimic :(

Sure, no problem!