Road to Recovery

Hopefully it will help me recover if I make some friends on here that can support me through the process and I can support them.

Anywhos, today has sucked. All I did was eat, clean, eat, watch TV, eat some more, write some scholarship essays, and eat more.  Last night, I ate a whole loaf of banana bread at 10:30pm. Like, who the fuck does that? I told my mom (she obviously knows about my disorder because she pays for my psychologist and nutritionist) and she couldn’t believe I could eat that. Like she didn’t believe I could do that…she has no idea.  Then today, I didn’t go to school because it was the last day of the semester and a half day, but my mom got mad at me.  This triggered a day of binging.

I ate 2 and a half HUGE bowls of captain crunch. Drank all the milk. Then hot chocolate. fuck. took some laxatives (which just started to kick in about 10 hours later).  4 hours later, I ate oatmeal with brown sugar. then some macaroni and cheese. a few hours later, I found chocolate under my moms bed…ate that too.  Then popped popcorn and melted chocolate chips to put in it. Ate about a third or fourth of it, and I started to feel sick.  That was around 3:30pm and its now 8pm, and Im full. I’ve been full all day. Even before the cereal I was still full. fuck. why do I do this to myself? I don’t understand. I was doing pretty good for about a week and I just sabotage my recovery.

I have to work tomorrow too. I’m almost to big for my work uniform.  The shirt is a small and my pants are a size 7. I don’t know how they still kind of fit, but Im scared to put them on tomorrow and find out that they don’t fit.  I want the day to come where the sevens are too big. But that would require me gaining willpower back, and I have yet too find out where the fuck that went. 

I hate myself.